pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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