my phone needs a breathalizer
i love accidental penises.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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