mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dick very happy bro
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
