The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
