Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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