I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
