So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
