another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
