one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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