I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
