is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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