you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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