Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
