i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
