The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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