There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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