Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
