Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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