she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
