You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will be naked everywhere
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
