Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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