Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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