In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
