If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
