my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
