she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
