The maid of honor just puked.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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