I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
