Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
