My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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