i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
