if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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