What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
