I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize