My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
