after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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