i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
