i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
