if i can run in heels then i can drive
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
