i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
