I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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