They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
