Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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