i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
