You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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