Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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