matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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