Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
