Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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