The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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