hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
