You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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