Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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