There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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