I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
