where am i from again
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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