Can i not drive my cunt home
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
