my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize