You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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