...so i touched it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
